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Whose Children?

Sharanya Dinesh

Approved ProvenTherapist

Sharanya Dinesh - ProvenTherapist Khalil Gibran is my favorite poet and philosopher; this is what he wrote about children:‘Your children are not your children.They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

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Your children are temporarily in your custody and you are their guardian and care taker. You have no ownership rights over them because they are owned by God and He has sent them to accomplish a goal or a purpose unique to them. Life called out for them and here they are, as your children in name and form but His children in verity. The animals and the birds seem to understand this philosophy much better than the intelligent human race. The lioness feeds the cub and simultaneously encourages the cub to fend for itself. The chicks are also urged to fly and gather twigs from a very young age. We humans keep missing this fine point somehow.They come through you but not from you,And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.He again says, they come from you; yes, you do give birth to them, yet they are from Him alone and not from you, which is what most parents mistakenly take claim for. The children stay with us as long as it is destined and not a single moment beyond that. They are with us but they do not belong to us; they are definitely not the personal property of parents.You may give them your love but not your thoughts,For they have their own thoughts.Again so true, did we, as children think like our parents? Did we not have different thoughts, dreams, aspirations and ambitions? Did we not wait for the day when we would be able to live ‘our’ life, the way we want to, without being told, what to do, what to eat, what to wear and a seamless stream of instructions? If that was generation gap then, should not the gap be more gaping and wider now? Times have changed very dramatically over the last 2 decades and with it a very tumultuous parent age has arrived. Love is scarce or showered as a return gift for something well done or withheld as punishment at times. The present day children are facing more insecure times, it is all the more important that we shower as much love as we can on them and give them the freedom of thought. Raise them such that they are free with discipline and love.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.  Healthy Parenting
Almost every child achieves much more than what their parents did. They belong to the tomorrow and have to learn from today, whereas we belong to a yesterday, trying to adjust to today for a better tomorrow. We are yet to get a grip over the way times have changed, whereas they are already of this generation. They are planning and dreaming of a tomorrow which we may never see. Is it fair to drag them backwards in time, to our times and force them to think our way, do our way, live our way? We can be like the lamp post guiding and throwing light on the path, we cannot walk that path though. They have to walk their own path and discover their destiny.You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

I initially never agreed with this line, why should the parents be like the children? My parents always wanted me to emulate either one of them and that is exactly what I have done. So why should my son (I need to remember, he is HIS son, not mine) not emulate his Dad or me? Why should we not ask him to try and become like his father or mother? The next line has the answer though; because, life has never gone backwards and time does not wait or depend on a yesterday. It is today and then tomorrow. I woke up to the fact that if I expect my son to become like his father or me, I would be asking him to move backwards, live in a yesterday. As a parent I should be asking him to look at his tomorrow, move on the road ahead and achieve his dreams. Is it fair on my part to ask him to live my unaccomplished dreams and achievements?

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The parents are the bows from which the children of God as living arrows are set forth in search of their destiny.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

The archer or God has already marked the path over which the arrow, the child, will fly. God simply wants that the Bow, parents, also to bend, yield, string themselves just so much so that the arrow, child, can reach its destined goal. It is the strength of the bow and the flexibility of the string which allows the archer to set forth the arrow swift and far.

Let you bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable. ’

One without the other is incomplete and God loves both equally. He has assigned us the job of taking care of His children and entrusted us with the big responsibility of raising them happily and with joy. Bend yield listen to the child and nourish them with love and joy, God does send forth His children through you and is happy to see them ascend, but He also loves the stable hand of the parent which joyfully raises its offspring.

As a child counselor by profession I am forced to read this poem to every parent because they all invariably expect me, the counselor, to change the mindset of the child. They look me at me very expectantly as if I can wave a magic wand and their errant child will start obeying them or start behaving the way they expect the child to behave.

Talking To Your Children

Linda Harris

Approved ProvenTherapist

 

Linda Harris - Approved ProvenTherapist It’s everywhere. Talk about financial struggles is on the internet, the television, in the newspapers, between parents, and amongst students in high schools. It is almost impossible to be unaware of the rising price of gas, food, and of foreclosures. Children are very sensitive to stress in a household and when they are left out of what is happening, they create their own stories which may be more traumatizing than the reality of the family’s difficulties.

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The question is not if, but what is the best way to talk to your children about challenging financial times. What do you say that is age appropriate. Before having this conversation, make it a priority to put your own house in order. If you do not have a financial plan, follow the adage, “better late than never”. Helping a child feel secure is extraordinarily difficult if you do not manage your own emotions. Guilt and self-doubt may arise from feeling that something more could have been done to prevent this financial challenge.Take responsibility for your part of the problem, but recognize what is not under your control. Go for walks, connect with the beauty of nature, and stay in the present. These tools will make it easier to calm yourself. After settling on a plan, think carefully about what to say. Children do not need to know specifics unless they ask, but they need to hear that the situation is temporary, and that you are working on a resolution. Moreover, since children often blame themselves, explain that it is not their fault.

Listen empathically. without judgment. Give your children the opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, and fears, then carefully look for signs of distress. Are they experiencing sleeping or eating problems, or isolating themselves? If so, talk to them, and when necessary seek help from their pediatrician or a counselor.

Discuss the new priorities that you are instituting, helping children discern the difference between needs and wants. If they feel embarrassed about moving to an apartment from a house, or not having new clothes, convey your understanding about how difficult it is to make these changes. Emphasize the importance of working as a family to devise a plan as to how everyone can contribute to solve family problems. Explain how much money in the budget is allocated for each expenditure. When children feel that they are a part of the common good and understand what is going on, they feel less powerless and more in control.

Make the best of the challenges by turning adversity into an adventure. Create a list of fun, free activities such as planning a picnic, going for a hike, playing games in the evening, or making gifts.

Have age appropriate conversations. For children ages six and under, focus on reassuring them that they are safe and secure and are part of a team. Use simple language and be truthful. Answer questions that are asked. Children between six and twelve can raise money, such as having a garage sale. Help them figure out how they can help others, perhaps by donating clothes or toys. Children between 13 and 17 are more aware and are having financial discussions themselves. They need reassurance, but can do more to contribute to the family finances, maybe with a part time job. Teach them how to budget, so they can make changes to support the family’s needs.

Finally, a crises is an opportunity to look within oneself. Adults and children alike may discover new strengths. Challenges also offer a chance to recognize the importance of being a part of a community. Though hard times can be divisive, we as individuals and as a community can choose to become stronger by the act of giving and receiving, thus realizing that we are not alone.

MARRIAGE – Happy despite the challenges

Sharanya Dinesh

Approved ProvenTherapist

Sharanya Dinesh - ProvenTherapist I am an ardent fan of Khalil Gibran; a poet, philosopher, visionary, saint ….I run out of eulogies when I need to describe this one person. This page is dedicated to him, in the sense I will be writing his poems and try to understand them with you all. Each of us sees the same thing with a unique individual perception. Help understand this great prophet better…

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He writes:

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But, let there be spaces in togetherness.
Love one another but make not a bond of love
Let your love be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your heart but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
Stand together yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Beautiful, is it not? A few lines to aptly describe the way a couple can live together happily! A marriage is not about merging with each other! How can two different people merge? It would mean a loss of identity for the partner who is making all the changes or accommodating more. This only results in bitterness and shows its ugly face at the most unexpected stage of married life.

Can an oak tree and the cypress tree be called oak tree? We need to walk hand in hand towards the same goal. Like the train tracks, each one independent yet dependent and very imperative for the smooth running of the train. The train carries so many people every day to their respective destinations and achieves its own milestones because of these two tracks on which it confidently chugs away. When the tracks need to meet and change the direction of the train they do meet and again mutually stay together at a little distance.

Couples too need to retain their individuality, take decisions together and let life stay on course with the partners holding hands and walking in forward n the same direction. Give your love to your spouse but safe guard your heart. That is for the creator! We humans forget this truth. We shower everything on each other. And breathe down each other’s neck! Too much proximity brings in claustrophobia. We are meant for each other and God brought us together for some purpose. Our individual goals and our destiny together are as designed by God. We forget the creator, the purpose of our lives and ourselves too. We begin trying to merge; with unmet expectations end up on different shores with a sea of misunderstandings between us.

He says that we all need time to introspect, be alone and ponder about ourselves. The pillars of the temple stand apart and are home to the God inside and to the thousands of devotees praying to the Lord. The couples should support each other, help each other and learn from each other. The Oak tree and Cyprus tree do not grow in each other’s shadow.

Stopping Emotional Affairs In Your Marriage

In our marriages today, we seem to find that we have a lot of problems and distractions. We have some very obvious things which we all know can breakup a marriage. We can unanimously put infidelity at the top of this list. It is however interesting to note that infidelity begins as a gradual process. I therefore want to look at its starting point.

No one just stands up and goes to be unfaithful to their spouse. You would normally discover that one thing grows into another prior to graduating to the main act. We can therefore agree that it is important that we understand this fully. When we find out the root cause, we can solves the problem from there.

One thing that’s very damaging to a marriage is emotional affairs. emotional affairs appear harmless and innocent. Folks assume they are really harmless because it’s emotional intimacy without a matching physical intimacy. Having this type of relationship with someone else when you are married is just getting yourself ready for a fall because in many cases, this always leads to an affair. When this happens, we start talking about infidelity and people would wonder how this could have happened.

Begin to pay careful attention to your relationship with that co-worker of the opposite gender with whom you generally find yourself spending your time. Don’t blow this off with the excuse that only thing you do is converse, call, or text. You have to be true to yourself and examine what you talk about in your mind. Just to be sure, I would ask you a simple question. Would you be comfortable if your spouse suddenly comes in on your discussion with that colleague or stumbles on the text messages you exchange? If in your heart you know that you would not want your spouse anywhere near your conversations or messages then you are probably on the wrong path.

If you give it some thought, you would see that extramarital affairs mostly starts with someone giving a lot of attention to another. The person feels intimate or appreciated by someone outside their partner. This is simply how it all begins and this is what we refer to as emotional affair. A greater understanding of the perils of emotional affairs would result in more folks avoiding it and this would subsequently result in a major reduction in instances of extramarital affairs.

Instead of looking for answers to your marriage challenges outside of your marriage, try to solve them. Because of your determination to handle your marriage internally, you would probably not be talking about your marital challenges with just anybody.

There’s a need for lot’s of care to be taken as you try to repair your marriage. Some folks have eventually fallen victim of emotional affair and then on to extramarital affairs as they were attempting to repair their marriage.

There are instances of folks who started talking to someone about their marital challenges simply for them to start getting intimate with the individual. There are lot’s of ways that emotional affairs can begin. There’s a need for you to be really on the lookout so you don’t fall prey.

When there’s a need to talk to someone, your best option is consulting a certified marriage therapist. With a marriage therapist, you understand you’re in qualified hands and can receive the assistance you require.

Regardless of how it comes, don’t let yourself be trapped in an emotional affair. I’m certain you understand the problems that can arise from emotional affairs.

Infidelity In Marriage As It Affects Us These Days

Our marriages are constantly being confronted with different challenges. Are we finding solutions? Can we say the problems are on the rise or are they reducing? We can only give an answer when we have looked around us at the marriages we have today. We would look at this presently.

I am constantly stumped by this question. Can we say that the problems marriages are facing today are more than those faced by past marriages? The reason I ask this is that infidelity in marriage seems to be on the rise and I can’t help but ask if this is because of the increased challenges marriages now face.

I have taken time to really look into this issue and I still think that marriages today are not necessarily encountering more challenges. I can only say that the way we respond to these challenges have changed.

One thing everyone knows is greatly needed to build a solid marriage is communication. Developing a solid communication with your spouse requires time together. We’ve now arrived at what I consider the main issue. The amount of time we spend in our homes seems insignificant when placed side by side the time spent at our business places. This should easily shed light why many affairs happen with colleagues at work.

The other day while talking with a friend, he mentioned one challenge that marriages now face which I found interesting. A study was carried out and it was found that couples with television sets in their bedrooms had higher chances of having problems. Thinking about it, you should clearly understand the reason. The television offers a choice that distracts one or both spouses so problems aren’t taken care of. If the television weren’t there, the couple might have had no choice but to trash out the issue regardless of how heated things got.

This is only a little example of the current development that might really be blamed for the increased breakups in our marriages. We’re regular in the middle of so much to choose from by way of distractions. The reason why a lot of people are faced with finding how to cope with infidelity is because a spouse saw the affair as another option.

In the past, there were not too many options. People either went to a bar or simply took a walk when upset. Today, you can simply get lost in the internet, social media or television. Can you imagine a couple discussing while one of them is chatting on a social media network? This is a common sight. Is this crazy or what?

Our greatest need today is the will and discipline to regulate our time and set our priorities right. We must begin to have times we turn off our Ipads, televisions etc and simply communicate with our spouses. These devices were made to make our lives easier and not to destroy our marriages.

Anything we do in life is always subject to choices. This includes our marriages. It’s your choice to either create time for your marriage and have a successful one or not to.

Dating To Relationship : Precisely Why And Ways To Obtain This Particular

Dating to relationship begs to move forward, if it stays stagnant also lengthy there’s a possibility of it going stale. In case you and your partner are both in love with one another, the approach of moving from dating to relationship into a committed relation will come about naturally. Sometimes casual dating becomes much more significant pretty promptly… how do you gauge the modify? When does the switch from dating to a relationship take place? This is an incredibly grey region; so maintain your eyes peeled for the signs that you have come to be involved within a dating to relationship.

Most couples, after a few weeks or months of dating, come towards the crossroads of deciding the way to move the relationship forward. A committed relationship is pretty various from a dating relationship, it entails the following factors. Didn’t have something special to do on Easter? Did you casually accept an invitation to go out of town and pay a visit to the parents? Did you think this was just another date? Open your eyes… if you’re basically in search of signs that you simply could possibly be in a relationship, then this one particular is surely by far the most flashing fluorescent Vegas neon you could ever come across.

You can find more here Dating Your Best Friend

When you want dating to relationship it’s not significant to maintain each and every other’s trust simply because there was no commitment involved. Constructing and preserving trust is an integral portion of moving into a committed relationship. You’ll need to be careful not break the trust your partner has in you. This requires quite a bit of emotional maturity. Speak for your partner about their feelings. It really is critical to know where they may be in their own emotions to ensure that you each can make by far the most informed decision. Are they able to make the relationship more exclusive? Does he or she still desire to keep to casual dating? Come across out.

Dating To Relationship : How To Move On
You might be heading into a serious dating to relationship without even realizing it. It really is hard to understand it in case you do not talk about it, or say how you feel. Naturally, this kind of conversation should really be strategic and well-timed. But should you each continue dating without acknowledging verbally that points are acquiring deeper and a lot more intense, you’re just treading water. Be sure you both are on the identical page; this really is a essential component to taking the next step from dating to relationship. Comprehend the ought to make sacrifices. Even the ideal relationships aren’t great, but when two individuals are willing to appear at themselves and see what they could do to improve their very own contribution towards the relationship, magic can occur.

Committed dating to relationship aren’t effortless. There’s an element of a natural fit, but all relationships call for work. The primary reason I’m so poor at committing is simply because I’m lazy. No room for laziness if you’re going to be within a really serious dating to relationship matter. You must be prepared for points to get far more intense, and accept the responsibility of a critical relationship. Be close friends first! Anything persons normally overlook on the quest to get a relationship is the significance of definitely figuring out and understanding somebody. If you’re close friends with someone–truly friends–then it really is less complicated to create the switch to a devoted relationship.

This is where you should check Dating To Relationship

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