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Has your relationship lost its spark? Breathe new life into it to stop familiarity breeding contempt
The first in an occasional series on relationship issues by ProvenTherapy Director and Therapist, Matt Butler
Relationship feeling a little jaded? Lost the spark with your nearest and dearest? It’s unfortunately all too easy to take our partners for granted sometimes. The familiarity factor whereby we drift along in our most important relationships is common, though ultimately corrosive. We all need that extra spark in our relationships to keep them alive – the feeling that we are involved in something special; a frisson of excitement, a soupcon of … well … sauce. When in a committed relationship though we need to realise that we must act to make these things happen. This is vital in order to keep our relationships alive. It’s no accident that the word for keeping relationship alive is the same as that for keeping a fire going – relationships need kindling and re-kindling. The fire needs stoking. Ultimately such sparks of desire signify something we all yearn for but are sometimes phased by, maybe even a little scared of, intimacy and perhaps for some this is the root of the problem.
Relationship difficulties should remind us of the central importance of intimacy in our lives. Clearly a human desire, it is perhaps more than that, a human need.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg said, “Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still”. In an age of advanced communications it remains the case that people can still feel lonely amid apparent togetherness, even in outwardly committed relationships.
So, to keep your relationships kindled, re-kindled and positively fizzing here are ProvenTherapy’s tips for maintaining a great relationship.
6 tips to give your jaded relationship a boost
- Make a point of paying your loved one a compliment or two, pick out something you like about them and tell them you like it! Don’t lay it on too thick – just be honest about it
- Be physical but gentle. Take time for touch – a hug, a kiss .. and who knows, maybe something more ..
- Go on a date together. It’s so easy when in a long term relationship – especially if you have children – to get out of the habit of going out together so make a date and stick to it. Even if you can’t go out try taking time to dress up and have a candle lit dinner together indoors every once in a while
- Talk! Spend time each day talking to your significant other, find out what’s happening for them
- Listen! Take time to really listen to your partner. You might feel tempted to dive into communications with ‘answers’ or comments on your partner’s self-expression. Try not to act on these – really give them space to talk and freely express themselves. This will be time well spent
- Have some fun! Try not to take things so seriously. Even in the most difficult situations it is often possible to find some humour
In summary, if you find your relationship with your significant other is showing signs of strain then take some time out to re-connect – make time to rekindle those closest of relationships with tenderness, gentleness and understanding – before things have a chance to take a turn for the worse.
Veterinarian Turns Family Therapist to Practice at Online Portal
Jan was a small animal veterinarian until illness ended this career. After recovering she went back to school and became a marital and family therapist and registered psychologist. Now she opens her online clinic at ProvenTherapy.com.
PRESS RELEASE: Alberta – April 8, 2016 – PRLog — She did not see this as much of a jump as she realized she liked talking to people as much as she liked the animals. Because of her many years of making a diagnosis on an animal that couldn’t talk to her, Jan is very intuitive, which has been very helpful in her work with clients. Her first job was with Alberta Health Services where she spent six years working with children and adolescents and their families. She then became the clinical head of the crisis team. Jan then worked with a non-profit Christian counselling ministry where she worked with individuals, couples and families.
Jan finds that online therapy is a way to bring service to a wider group who prefer not to go to a therapist’s office. She works hard to build the same rapport with the client that she creates in person. Jan works collaboratively with the client to have them realize that they have many strengths and resources that have always been present but may have been unused for a while. Jan also believes that no one is hopeless.
Her particular interest is trauma arising from the family of origin. Jan believes that trauma is held in the body and interferes with life moving forward smoothly and causing problems with relationships and work. Jan teaches relaxation and coping skills before any trauma work is done.
She uses mainly cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy, which she hopes to practice through the premier online counseling portal https://www.proventherapy.com. What Jan’s goal for the client is for the client to realize that the critical voice in their head comes from a difficult childhood and has no place in adulthood. Jan works collaboratively with the client to address the anxiety and depression which usually arise in such situations. This baggage from childhood can affect parenting and often goes with the client as baggage in the marriage.
Relevance of Family Meetings
Expert advice by veteran Family Therapist and Psychologist
I work a lot with children and their families. The biggest complaint I get from parents is about the disrespect and arguing over doing chores. I strongly recommend no arguing with children, especially teenagers. That is a fool’s game. I would tell any child being disrespectful; you can talk to me when you are willing to talk to me respectfully. I would then disengage.
Instead I recommend monthly family meetings, more often if an emergency arises. These meetings are scheduled and everyone in the family attends, and there are no interruptions allowed. This is our time to talk about how the family is doing, and the children have a say.
We talk about who does what. Chores are assigned according to age. Even very little children can take their dirty dishes to the sink. Older children must realize that the little guys cannot do as much as they can, and that the day will come for the little guys as well.
I don’t recommend consequences for young children. I like behaviour charts where the children can mark down when they have completed a chore. This is done with a star or little sticker just to make it more fun. At the end of the week, if the chart is full, they get to pick the Saturday night video or what the family will be having for Saturday night supper. They do not get an expensive gift.
For children with ADHD, sometimes they need to see the reward before they will work for it. For these children I would make up a little treasure chest of things from the dollar store so the child can see the prize. If they complete chores as agreed upon, they get to pick one thing.
There are three things to remember about chores. First, the parent should demonstrate what they are looking for in, for example, a clean bedroom. Too many times, I have had kids tell me that they will clean the bedroom and mum or dad will say, “That’s not good enough”, but never explain why. The parent has to demonstrate what a clean bedroom looks like. Also putting things away properly, and what do they have to do for the parent to decide the bedroom has been cleaned properly. Is a clean bedroom, all the clothes put away properly, and nothing shoved under the bed?
The second thing is how many days a chore has to be done to get the privilege at the end of the week. Is it 5 out of 7, 7 out of 7. This is decided at the family meeting.
Thirdly, a time limit has to be set on the chore. Does the garbage have to be emptied by 6 o’clock in the evening?
We do make exceptions for special occasions. With our own children, mum and dad covered the chores if the child had a party or a concert. However, if the child wants to take on a sport where they need to attend once or twice a week, this has to be decided at the family meeting, so chores can be discussed again.
With older children, we use consequences. By that I mean removed privileges. Consequences need to be immediate and appropriate. We do not tell children that they can’t watch next week’s game. Instead it must be immediate. The consequence has to happen tonight. We don’t take away the European trip they have been planning for two years with the school.
Children get to have a say in what the consequence will be. If it is losing the phone, then the decision is for how long. If it is not playing video games for a day, then the computer, laptops, tablets and phones have to be turned over.
If the parents set consequences, then they must follow through. Parents must never undermine one another. If a consequence has been agreed upon, then both parents must support one another to make sure it happens.
What are the exceptions? If the family has been away for the weekend, having fun at a sport or just doing things together, we do not tell children to do chores the minute they walk in the door. The same goes for a teenager that has just played at a music competition, participated in the science fair or played in a sports tournament; we do not tell them “you’ve had your fun, now do your chores”. We savor the good times with them. Chores can wait until tomorrow, unless the dog needs to go outside.
Janeen Wilson, a qualified and experienced Family Therapist and Counselor has started her online counseling clinic at ProvenTherapy.com. She is available to potential clients for individual and couples therapy through live chat or email service.
Press Release – 21 Nov. 2014: Janeen Wilson, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California (August 2006) has a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology. Janeen began practicing therapy in 2000 working with a variety of different therapeutic issues and problems. Janeen initially began working with women in Domestic Violence and with adolescent boys struggling with psychiatric issues, bipolar issues and attachment disruption that were in a Residential Treatment setting. Janeen has worked with all ages of children in school based settings and their families addressing issues related to family dynamics, ADHD and emotional disruption. Janeen became very interested in an strength based evidence approach (Multi Dimensional Foster Care) and was formally trained as a Program Director and Family Therapist through this program (MTFC). With this training she focused on assisting families in reuniting youth from foster care back to their homes and strengthening their family systems. She has also worked with families as the Director of the Family Stabilization Team in Boston, MA to prevent youth from being removed from their home, as an Outpatient Therapist and with specialized populations such as the blind. Janeen has worked with a variety of different types of people in different areas, ranging from the tundra in Alaska to urban Boston, rural and urban Pennsylvania as well as in Southern California.
Issues Janeen has worked with ranges from working with the blind community, SED children and their families, Adoption, Foster Care, as well as Addiction and Trauma. Janeen has also been formally trained to work with firefighters to address their specific needs related to work and trauma.
For the last two years Janeen has been working as a Individual and Family therapist in an inpatient dual diagnosis residential setting for individuals struggling with addiction and mental health/trauma issues. Now she has opened her virtual clinic at https://www.proventherapy.com.
Press Release published in PRLog regarding the release of the upgraded site and launching new features.
The new upgraded site with sophisticated chat application received huge applause from the service users as well as professional counselors. The new site which launched on Thursday, 9th May claimed to have more facilities than its competitors.
ProvenTherapy.com has been there on the cyber world for many years, providing ‘healing touch to troubled hearts and souls’ according to its previous business slogan. Now it has 80 approved ProvenTherapists practising 24X7 and the number is growing.
Last week the virtual clinic launched its new website along with highly sophisticated chat application for use by service users as well as Therapists. The new chat application reported to have many new features:
* Flash based live chat application with high speed and real time simulation
* Live text chat and live voice chat with excellent audio clarity
* Application run from dedicated server to ensure maximum bandwidth support
* Interactive whiteboard to make therapeutic communication effective and powerful
* Online access to verbatim (full counseling script) for Therapists and Clients any time
* Clients are offered two fee models – fee per session, and fee per minute
* Peer support facility for Therapists
* Notes keeping facility for Therapists
* Clients forum for sharing issues anonymously for Therapists to respond
The premier online counseling and psychotherapy service has changed its business tag line to ‘online counseling for life’s journey’ with the aim of adding positive color to its healing mission.
Arthur Belmont, a California based marriage and family therapist joins the team of professionals giving online counseling service through ProvenTherapy.com, one of the leading online counseling and psychotherapy clinic on the Internet.
The virtual online counseling and psychotherapy clinic for mental health, marriage, and relationship problems https://www.ProvenTherapy.com has a team of more than 60 Approved ProvenTherapists extending ‘healing touch to the troubled hearts and souls’ through online counseling and psychotherapy services. The professional therapists provide counseling and psychotherapy support through live chat, telephone, and email methods round the clock, seven days a week. Arthur Belmont, a licensed independant counselor and psychotherapist, is the latest addition to the team of ProvenTherapists who has 18 years of experience in the therapy field.
Arthur H. Belmont is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) who has been practicing psychotherapy since 1995. He received his M.S. degree in Counseling from California State University, Long Beach and his B.A. degree in Communications from Temple University in Philadelphia. Arthur is currently practicing in San Diego, California and maintains his licensure in both Florida and California.