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Tune the Tiny
A parenting article by Rajatha Sarkar – Online Counselor and Therapist
Do we experience the joy with them who made us wonderful parents? Let us walk down the memory lane …… Let us go back to the day our child was born… And then, First day at school!!!!
Aren’t we proud?
We renew our youth with our children as we share with them the journey of life.
And in this journey, where we wish the best for them and try preparing them for it.
There is one important question we all need to ask ourselves as parents: “What is parenting?”, which may then lead us to two more: Does parenting have a style? If so, what is our style? Parenting is a gift of god, parenting is a labor of love and giving unconditional love, Practically speaking: parenting is meeting the child’s needs to age 18 or sometimes longer , guiding the child toward the goal of becoming a competent adult.
Yes, we as parents need to think about parenting seriously. We need to understand how good we are at it and then think about the steps that we can take to be better. We all parents know that for us our ‘child is always a child’. No matter their age, we all want to cradle, hug, and shower our warmth and affection on our children and live a life of good bonding with them. But is this enough to prepare them for their future – especially in this increasingly competitive world?
Children grow up to be an adult inculcating various habits and behaviour that they observe and perceive around them, especially from those who influence them the most. The most fundamental of these behavioural patterns are established in early childhood. So, it is important for a child’s psychological development that only the right behaviour is adapted and strengthened and any deficiencies are corrected as early as possible in the childhood.
As time passes by, these fundamental behavioural patterns are established so deeply that they cannot be changed easily. If any undesirable behaviour is not corrected early in the childhood, it may lead to larger psychological issues later in adulthood.
Sometimes, we wonder why there is a drastic change in our child’s behavior. However, the fact is that nothing about their behaviour is sudden — it develops gradually. And, for such a development we ourselves are generally responsible – directly or indirectly.
We as parents may sometimes find it easy to blame external influences for ourchild’s inappropriate behaviour, which when allowed to go uncorrected surface as larger psychological issues later. But do we ever think what our responsibility is as a parent under such circumstances?
For better personality development of a child, presence and support of parents is required throughout its childhood. Many of us are aware of this fact, even though we may not have thought about it consciously in the context of parenting.
Yes, that is true. when we succeed, something don’t we all say: “whatever we are today, it’s because of our parents.”
So, for our children’s sake we need to know how good we are as parents and how to be better.
To be a better parent we need to work on our style of parenting. Here are some of the most common parenting styles and its characteristics:
Authoritarian parenting: this style is characterized by the parents’ need for control, and their lack of empathy and warmth towards their child. The authoritarian parents definitely see themselves as “the Boss”. The style further reflects the following characteristic features:
- Fixed Rules
- Obedience is a Virtue
- Punishment/ You Do OnlyWhat I Say/ My Word Is Final!
Permissive parenting: this style is characterized by the parent’s high degree of warmth and responsiveness and lack of control of their child.
The uninvolved parenting style is characterized by a low level of control and a lack of responsiveness to the child. The style further reflects the following characteristic
- “Do What You Like”
- “I’m Busy”
Authoritative parenting: this style is characterized by a high level of responsiveness. It is a style most beneficial to children and is recommended by experts. High levels of warmth and moderate levels of control is best suited to teachchildren things about a situation, which will enable them to take better decisions. The style further reflects the following characteristic features:
- Let’s Sort This Problem Out
- OK, What Do You Think?
- This Is What I Think
- I Need You to Do This Now, But We Can Do That Later
If these are styles of parenting, let us think for a while which of these suit our families…
But before deciding let us also consider some of the important aspects the parenting style adopted needs to address.
Role of parent as a teacher: Normally, we say “mother is the best teacher for a child”. But, at present, how many of us really believe ininculcating this idea in our families? Is it not now becoming common that once a child starts crawling, it is left in play homes? This way it hardly gets to learn anything from its parents. Actually, this is a stage where a child observes and learns the most from its surroundings. It is a stage which provides immense opportunities for us to give our children the right exposure and contribute positively in their personality development.
For example, when we take children along for shopping, we not only show them around places and people but also teach them how to react and respond to situations.
If we are conscious of this fact, we can teach our children appropriate behaviour and prepare them to face situations. This could include for instance teaching them good habits; importance of disciplined behaviour, keeping things in the right place, or evenusing kind words like ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ in social conversations. Our personal involvement in this manner is likely to not only create an interest in children to know and learn more but also to strengthen our rapport with them. In fact, such a rapport is important to keep an open communication with them that is essential for their learning as well as their insulation from negative influences.
Communication is a valuable socialtool, but how well are our children exposed to use it in their favour? Many times, children are hardly given time to speak, instead we parents order them and want them to hear us. This way they are ill prepared with this skill on many occasions. They are either unable to communicate effectively or do it inappropriately, speaking out of context or without understanding implications.
At times, we are surprised to hear small children utter bad words (abusive language). We wonder from whom they have learnt this, while in reality we ourselves may have been responsible. Should we as parents not exercise caution and watch over our language?
Care should also be taken that we do not insult children. This may have long term psychological impact on them. For instance, instead of using positive means of encouragement, some of us use unkind words like ‘idiot’to scold children when they do not meet our expectations. In fact, all psychologists know this reaction of parents to be responsible for one of the common psychological disorders in their children
Next, It is also important that aspects of decisions making and collaborating withcommunity be taught to the children who start schooling and learn the role of family and extended family. Here too, we as parents have an important role to play. We need to sspend quality time with ourchildren in teaching them importance of community/bondage in the community and helping them to face day to day challenges.
Being consistent and supportive is also important in parenting. Our kids will know what to expect and the consequences of bad behavior. If they are acting out or quieter than usual, we should take some time to talk to them about what is going on in their lives. We should remember not to punish children rather discipline them from their infancy. We should appreciate their hard work and never degrade or compare their capabilities with that of others.
Note; Being the parent of a child with special needs is all the more challenging. We may need to arrange for specific resources or support systems to suit such special needs. We may also need additional set of parenting skills if we have kids who deal with medical or emotional problems. In such circumstances, we should always remember and remind ourselves that there are always ways to deal with difficulties. What matters most is being positive and thinking about the one valuable gift of life that we have in our hands that we need to be careful with.
“Time and tide waits for none”, goes a saying. Every step that our children take in their childhood is very important. We should utilize all opportunities that exists to hold their hand; be a guide; nurture, support and train them to develop their self control, character or orderliness and efficiency.
Dear All! There is a lot to discuss about parenting if we consider the various problems that children face when growing up and the probable ways to handle them. However, through this article my intention has been to convey the importance of parenting in psychological development of children, discuss about various parenting styles and also briefly touch upon some related aspects that parents need to consider in addition to adopting the most suitable style of parenting.
Disclaimer: This article and associated graphics/images are prepared or accomplished by the author in her personal capacity. The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not reflect the view of ProvenTherapy.com or ProgCare Limited.